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TURKEY GOBBLE 

George Bush and Dick Cheney yesterday had a Christmas lunch at a

fancy Washington restaurant.

The waitress approached their table to take their order. She was young

and very attractive. She asked Cheney what he wanted, to which he

replied, "I'll have the heart-healthy turkey salad."

"Very good, sir," she replied, and turning to Bush she asked, "And what

do you want, Mr President?"

Bush answered, "How about a quickie?"

Taken aback, the waitress slapped his face and yelled, "I'm shocked

and disappointed in you. I thought you were bringing in a new

administration that was committed to high principles and morality. I feel

really bad about voting for you."

And with that, the waitress departed in a huff. Cheney leaned over to

Bush, and said, "Mr President, I believe that's pronounced quiche."

GETTIN' SLEIGHED 

During the Soviet era in Russia, a couple were walking down the street

in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think

it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.

They were just about to begin arguing with each other about whether

it was raining or snowing when they saw a Communist Party official

walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph

whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said: "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is

it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!"

To which her husband quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain,

dear."

FESTIVE FAMILIES 

An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney on Christmas Eve and

says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and

I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call

your sister in Brisbane and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man. "You are

NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm

calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,

don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,

"they're coming for Christmas, and paying their own airfares."

COME ON GIRLS,

TREAT YOURSELF 

It has been said that these readers own pages often are a little too

cheeky to the fairer sex. We will also be in trouble for using that three

lettered S word, but hey, it is Christmas.

To redress the balance, why don't you lovely ladies pick out a new

husband for Christmas.

A brand new store has just opened in London - and it sells husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the

instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store only once. There are 6 floors and the value of

the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any

item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor,

but you can't go back down except to leave the building!"So, a woman

goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have

jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and

are extremely good looking.

"Great," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the

4th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking

and Help with Housework.

"Fantastic" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have

Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework and

Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign

reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men

on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible

to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

CHRISTMAS CRACKERS 

So I said to the taxi driver,

"King Arthur's Close"

He said, "Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights"

I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'. He said 'I should

think so. It's been dead for two weeks'

'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'. He said

'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house

that I came to.

A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said "What do

you want?"

"I'd like to stay here"

"Ok. Stay there"

I went to the doctor. He said "you've got a very serious illness"

I said "I want a second opinion"

He said "all right, you're ugly as well"

When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent. I couldn't

find any pitch, so I used creosote.

I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid.

I went into this ice cream parlour and said "I'd like a vanilla cone"

The assistant said "Hundreds & thousands ?"

I said - "No - I'll just have the one"

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and

leave my shirt out.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had

the hammer.

I hurt my back the other day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year

old nephew, and I fell off.

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was

in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'.

And the dentist said to me 'Mr Copier Salesman, get out of the filing

cabinet.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I was in Margate last year for the summer season.

A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for

rheumatism." So I did, and I got it.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming

baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

MORE COPIER

SALESMEN QUIZZED 

BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1

Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80

tonnes?

Contestant: Ummm...

Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.

Contestant: Shark.

NATIONAL LOTTERY

Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea: a)

Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?

Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque

now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the

sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgia.

NATIONAL LOTTERY

Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?

Contestant: Basketball.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific

RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)

Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek

goddess of victory?

Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between

Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ

Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?

Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?

DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)

Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?

Contestant: Enid Blyton

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?

Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?

Contestant: No.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging

character clad only in a loincloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus.